Sarah hb

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Oh so sleepy

So why am I so tired all the time?

It's probably something to do with the fact that my average week consists of reading 4-5 books/texts, writing 2-3 reviews and watching an artsy movie, most weeks, for my course. Then I also have bandsoc stuff which involves meetings and planning and trying to prepare for sponsorship and putting on a £6000 set of gigs (in Jan) that we should be at the very least be breaking even on, organising socials and gigs and bands and then practicing with my own band and gigging with them (we have a gig soon with a band that has dragon forces ex-drummer in... no pressure then :P)

I don't have time to socialise anymore and my relationships are really feeling the strain at the moment. It's not even as if the uni work is easy... it's really complex stuff like Adorno, Greenberg, Jameson, Baudrillard, Walter Benjamin etc. I'm in my final year though so it's just a few more months and then I'm done for good.

I'm sad about Christmas this year as I'll be working on my dissertation so will only get Christmas Day and New Years Eve off to let my hair down. Nevermind. End of June I'll be free from all the stress and strain and then I just have to find a job. Hohoho.

I cried yesterday evening just because the strain really got to me. I was so tired. Spent 5 hours in the library then went to my 3 hour seminar where 5 of us had to just talk and talk about the texts. There are a number of problems with a situation like that. Firstly, I find it really hard to have an intellectual discussion in front of a group of people. Secondly, 3 of the students are the kind of people who you KNOW are going to go on to achieve some of the finest grades in the country and go on to attain ridiculously high positions in the art world as critical theorists or even make some breakthrough in a whole new take on the Culture Industry (or something to that effect). The point is that I'm left to feel unworthy of sitting in the same room or making any kind of comment as everything I seem to say is just nonsensical jibberish my mind hashes together in a vague attempt to keep up with their minds. The simple truth is I can never attain the high standards that they can. I work harder at Art&Spectacle than most of them and read so much for the course but nothing I do will give me the sheer mind power and eloquence that they have.

At school I was in the academic top 2% of the country but at university that means nothing especially to my classmates minds. Essentially I'm jealous. I have no trouble admitting it and I openly shout it to the world. I am jealous of those 3 class mates and no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be their equal.


  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger Painter Lady said…

    Oh Sarah, I'm so glad to see that you're back. I've missed reading you. Stress is something I can relate to. You have to steal moments for yourself or you'll crash and burn.

    As for comparing yourself to those classmates who seem greater than you...DON'T... each person has a special characteristic that only s/he has. For all you know, one of them may be wishing they were more like you. Be yourself. You are bright and witty. You have such a strong light within. Give yourself a credit and don't be so harsh on yourself.

    I bet after a good sleep, you'll feel better.


  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Painter Lady said…

    Happy Christmas!

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